Getting OFF the “Teens are Troubled” Bandwagon!

When all of my kids were all little, I heard over and over again, “Just wait until they are teens!” Of course this was said with sarcasm. I’m assuming those parents were communicating one of two things: Either they didn’t have good relationships with their teens (and they were driving them crazy) OR they were following society’s lead and jumping on the “Teens are Troubled” bandwagon.

Teen years are probably labeled the most difficult years of a person’s life, but according to whom? I wonder if that is the view of parents or teens.

Among my six children, I also have two teens (in addition to one who has already gone through all of his teen years), and I have never been on that bandwagon! Teen years are a challenge just like any other stage of a person’s life. Gosh, do you remember when you were up all night with a fussy baby? Or how about when you were a newlywed and learning to live with your imperfect spouse? There are many difficult transitions in life, but they are all wonderful, exciting years!

Teens want to be taken seriously. They want to know they are impacting the world… even in some small way. They don’t want to be told what to do, but that’s only because they want to be involved in making decisions and coming up with solutions. They want to know that what they say is worth hearing. They are transitioning into being adults and they need their parents to allow them to be.

I Tim. 4:12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” That verse sets an expectation for the young adult. If the bible portrays this maturity in youth image, shouldn’t we as parents view our children in the same light?

Parents have a hard time transitioning from their parental role to their new companion role. We want to listen and offer advice, but what our teens really need us to do is listen and offer encouragement. You know phrases like, “That’s a great idea!” or “Wow! I would have never thought of that!” Our teens want to continue to live how we’ve taught them to live their whole lives. They want to prove they can do it! They don’t want to feel they are looked down on. They want to feel respected.

We have lived longer than our children. We have more experience in life. We know some of the things our children are stressed out about are tiny in comparison to what they will have to face someday.  We are tempted to roll our eyes at some of the drama. We see pride in their confidences and we sigh in frustration. It would be very easy to say everything we are thinking and burst their “I’m a grown up!” bubble, but when we do they are left with the thought, “You don’t think I can do it” and then they really set out to prove it by showing us that they will do it their own way…and that usually results in doing it the exact opposite way we would do it. That’s called rebellion.

We must remember that our experience came from years of living and our maturity came from … mostly failures. Our teens need to know that we are by their side as they experience it all. When they fail, we should tell them stories of our failures. When they succeed, we should not boast our victories, but instead boast theirs. They see our victories. They see our successes. We are resorting to immaturity when we feel we have to share them again. It’s not about us.

My husband has said for years, that by the time our children are teens, we should be allowing them to begin to lead. If they know they are trusted, they will have a desire to show us they can do well, and if we encourage them every chance we can, they will actively pursue listening to and loving us …because they will like us then. Teens who run, do so because they don’t like their situation. Make them like it. In fact, make them love it!

My experience is that the teen years are amazing. My grown (and growing) children are wonderful companions. They respect my husband and me, and we respect them. We learn from each other. (And that is the honest to goodness truth! I can’t believe how much I’ve learned from them!) We have beautiful relationships that I would wish upon every parent and child.

We walk ahead of our children when they are little. We are their protectors and guides. We shelter them from the things they aren’t ready for. As they grow older, we move aside and expose them to the world… a little more every day. While always being their parent, we become their companions… their friends. While walking side by side with respect and love for one another, our children will turn to face us and ask for our wisdom. They will seek counsel from us – as their parent, because they know we will treat them as an equal.

Love, Respect, and Humility. Three words that will change your world.